I’ve been recently going through some major life altering changes that have brought me to a very discomforting conclusion:
There are always going to be things out of our control. Because of who we are, there are even more things out of our control. It’s true that it’s important for us to feel as confident and comfortable in our own skin as possible. It is also true that, as much as we try to say others’ opinions don’t matter, we need validation. We especially need validation because we need people to recognize and use the proper pronouns, not because they feel obligated, but because they see us the way we see ourselves.
It is also true that transmen can potentially make some of the greatest boyfriends. Some say we have the best of both worlds. We are men in most of our thoughts and actions, but we are a little more comfortable with our emotions. We are more likely to say how we feel when we feel it. At least in my case, this is true. I don’t play games. My friendships and my relationships are paramount to my being.
Unfortunately, friendships and relationships aren’t always mutual. It can be considered one of my biggest personal flaws that I love too hard and I put in too much effort into maintaining friendships and relationships.
One of the biggest things that I have always struggled with is surrounding myself with people who will love me as much as I love them. Again, this is out of my control. If I walked away from everyone who ever cared less than I do, I’d likely be left with no one.
I’d like to think that I’ve done a great job in my life of avoiding the question, “why me?” I’d like to think that. However, lately, I’ve been fighting a little too hard not to wonder such a thing.
Why should it be so hard just to put one foot in front of the other?
I’m someone who really needs to know what’s next— my next meal, my next class, my next night out with friends. More than that, I need to know what’s ahead. Will I marry? Will testosterone make a difference? When? Will I be successful?
Yeah, some may say that means I’m a bit of a control freak. That’s probably true. Yet, so much of my life has been out of my control. This goes for everyone, yes, but I can’t tell you how out of control I feel right now. That’s the hardest part.